No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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