you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
