one two three fourrrrnication!
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
