If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
