If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
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