So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
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She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
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Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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