Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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