I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
