the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
