So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
