i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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