I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Randomize
