For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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