My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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