Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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