community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
