I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
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