i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
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Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
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Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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