just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
