well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
