dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
