nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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