Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
