When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
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