Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
