i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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