Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
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I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
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Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Oh and itโs been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! ๐๐๐๐ฌ๐ณ๐
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