I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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