i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
