Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
