Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
