I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Holy shit dude........stairs
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
