How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
