not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Randomize
