god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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