i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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