Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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