I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
