it was like his penis was on wheels.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
