I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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