Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
