Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
