I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Randomize
