You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
