bring money and cleavage
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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