Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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