On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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