Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
