i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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