So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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