Please, let me fuck your mom
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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