You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
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