I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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