saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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